I often joke about wine being my therapy. In actuality, I will quicker turn to words. So I write. Blog pots, journal entries, letters to my mother.
Sometimes I would add little quips in my posts just for my mom. They were almost like inside jokes. Others might find them cute or humorous but my mom would really know what I meant. She understood. She read everything I ever wrote. She saved every card and letter I sent. The inside of her kitchen cabinets were lined with post it notes from all the times I visited over the years. Simple, “Went to the store, A” type notes. We used to write back and forth and sign with only A (me) or M (her). We both loved that the M could stand for Mom or Maria. It became a little tradition… I look forward to seeing that memory on the inside of her cabinet when I eventually get back to NY. And although I won’t save all those notes… I will take a picture of that silly cabinet door. That was her. The little things made her smile.
Unfortunately the little things also stressed her. Now my mom is at peace, away from the daily burdens of life that so often troubled her. Sadly, it’s now that I need her most.
I already miss knowing you are a phone call away. I want to tell you what Emily said when we told her the news. I want to share Aidan’s latest woes with you. I want to put a smile on your face when you hear that Logan started sleeping through the night last week. But maybe you know that already. Was that your doing?
You’ve left me in good hands. The amazing friends I’ve made, the family I’ve stayed close to, the man I married. I picked a good one Mom. He’s been incredible. But you already knew that he would be. Still, I feel like a little girl asking, “Where’s my mommy?”
Soon I will be in NY, in the house, home. I don’t know how to do this without you. What if I’m not as strong as you thought?
I’m glad our last conversation was long and cheerful. They say you did not suffer – I will hold on to that.
I love you Mom. And as I take this long journey, I know you are with me. I know you will watch over me and make sure I continue to have a ‘charmed life’.