Cobwebs

Dusting off the cobwebs… in the house, on the blog, inside my mind.

Therapeutic words have been replaced with tears. The joy of the season is struggling to overcome the sorrow in my heart.

Two of my favorite things to do in life: shopping… and giving. There is one less on my list. One less grandma card for the kids to make. One less card to buy and send. One less phone call to make.

In the past, December has always brought posts about joy, love, this incredible time of wonderment. This year all those things still exist, but with one less to enjoy it with.

I want to write about all the happy things that happen every day. Yet somehow the one looming sadness is all that comes to mind.

I cry… when I fold a fitted sheet because my mom showed me a gazillion times how to do it and I still can’t get it right; when I make meatballs; when I hear the song “See You Again”; when I hang an ornament, look at a photo, recall a memory. So basically, a lot.

The conversation generally goes:

How are you? I’m ok. (Lie, sort of)

I am not ok, but I am. This state of imbalance is uncharted territory.  I can’t even seem to get through a morning car ride or stroll without tears rolling down my face. (WTF)

Recently, I was in NY to take care of estate business. A woman helped me with my mother’s accounts and I think of this complete stranger every day now. She too lost her mom. 13 years ago. Friends have shared their grief and explained to me that the hurt doesn’t go away, you just learn to live with it. Yet, until I spoke with this woman, whom I had never met, it was not clear to me. I have been wondering when I would feel like myself again for months. I finally realize, I will never feel like I did before July 18, 2015. I will always be me, but I will always feel like something is missing. I will always miss my mom.

This marks the first Christmas without her, so it’s a tough one. I am forever grateful for my incredible family: three healthy kids, a loving and supportive husband, dear friends and relatives near and far. The love surrounding me is immense and it will persevere. I just have to hold those I treasure a little tighter.

Wishing all a joyous season. For the grieving, I wish you peace and strength. Love will see you through your time of grief.

Adrienne

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