Butterfly Summer

Summertime … a break from the monotony.

Kids grow, rain falls, summer plants bloom. And me … ?

After a year of being back in the workforce.

And two solid years of kids in school post covid.

Five and a half years since Blaine started working in Guyana.

Almost seven years since Uncle Cherry passed away.

Nine years since mom died. This one hits me the most. I’ve learned a lot about myself this past year. But this summer? I’m facing it all. Coming to terms me, and my needs, and how it all fits in to my whole life.

It started with reluctance. An overwhelming feeling of this path vs the other. I knew my choice to start working again, after 14 years of being home with my kids, take that in – 14 years… I knew the choice was the right one for my family, even for me. But as with most big life changes, I was not ready. And I was sad and I missed my mom. At 47 years of age, after eight years without her, I missed her presence the most.

Now it’s just about a year later. A lot has happened. For everyone. New friends and more responsibilities. Old friends and the same day to day. I wondered how to fit it all in. I struggled, and I won’t lie, I felt untethered at times… and often. And I imagine those whispers of flight will taunt me again. But somehow just recognizing all of this keeps me grounded.

I recently spent a few days in NY with my best friend of over thirty years. Just us and our own agenda. I can’t say I ever felt like I “deserved” a trip like that but I certainly feel like I needed it. It was bliss beyond words and I’m grateful for all of it. It’s the first time I’ve ever been to NY and didn’t miss my mom. Read into that all you want, but I’m just grateful. For the opportunity to spend that time with Carla, and not be pulled emotionally in any other direction. To be present and feel complete.

Coming back into the fray, I feel less scattered. Summer and time in general just flies by. But it’s lovely. It’s a wonderful time to breathe and regroup. To get ready for the onslaught that is September – Aka “back to school”. To grow and improve and love yourself more… to emerge … into something even more beautiful than you were before. After all… it’s a butterfly summer.

Reach and strive and believe … and surprise yourself. I certainly have. 🤍

– Adrienne

Freedom. Eyes wide open.

Let’s get whimsical

It all started with white clouds…

Like a dream, I was transported into another life. Through the portal I went, with trepidation and anticipation at my heels. I knew not what the other side held for me, nor if I would make it through the day. I didn’t have a clear picture of the scenery or the view. And the people! Would they be clones of each other or a variety of all kinds? What I found was this…

The grass was not greener, the sky the same blue. The road was a bit dusty and rocky, with hills all along. Some were much higher, mountains almost. So I was surprised to learn that I was up for the challenge. I continued on this path and soon stumbled upon a plot that I could call my own… it needed some tending, and a touch of me to make it just right.

But what of my family and friends from before? How would I get back to them, did the portal still exist? I walked back the way I came and sure enough my portal was waiting for me. Through the gateway I stepped and as with Dorothy’s three clicks, I was brought to my home. Oddly, all was the same. I guess I hadn’t been gone so long. The usual activities ensued and life carried on.

Each day I traveled through the portal, along the road, and back again. My two worlds separate, but the path between the two slowly smoothing.

I soon noticed the portal getting larger. “That’s odd,” I thought, but paid it no mind. Until one day I realized the portal grew wider to allow for others to pass through. Or so I thought. Oh yes, and the people! What characters they were… all kinds indeed. Scientists and engineers, accountants and teachers, writers and musicians… all in one place! Believers and dreamers, pragmatists and optimists, extroverts and introverts… mixing and mingling, working together to build a better future. What a sight! I loved it there on that side, where the grass started to grow greener and the skies a new shade of blue.

I learned more about myself in that time than I had in a long while. Sometimes I felt untethered to my world, this new one was so bright and full and took up my thoughts. It was hard to explain, to be so happy, so content, but uncertain all the same. I started to grow, I thought my growing was done! That made me feel better, grounded once again. But to which world did I belong?

You might recall, the portal was getting larger. So much so that eventually, I could not see the whole thing in one view. What happened next will surprise you I’m sure… The portal disappeared! Or maybe it grew too big for its own britches… perhaps its edges were thinned out to extinction. Whatever the phenomenon, the portal was no longer. My worlds had collided. All the new people and all my old loves, in one beautiful universe moving and breathing as if they had always coexisted.

And the best discovery I made on this journey was this… there is room in my heart for all. ❤️

Writing prompt: Portal

Inspiration: Nuvole Bianche – Song by Ludovico Einaudi

Arsenic

Writing prompt: Arsenic

Style challenge: Sonnet

This was my first time writing a sonnet. It was a challenge but one that I welcomed. 🙂

Don’t cry for me…

El amor es paciente, es bondadoso

No es celoso, no se irrita, no se regocija del mal

Sino que goza de la verdad

Todo lo disculpa, todo lo espera

Todo lo soporta, todo lo cree

El amor es eterno.

Love is eternal.

A Fictional Homage

She was a force. Not in the way you think… she wasn’t combative, or even a silent fighter, in fact maybe she didn’t even come across as strong. But she was.

She was an energy that embodied kindness and happiness. Which came first is unclear.

Unlike most, she learned from her mistakes. She listened when people praised her and vowed to be that better person more often. This was something she did without realizing it… until much later.

When she heard someone complaining about a quality they didn’t like, a characteristic she happened to see in herself, when she realized she agreed, she took note and attempted to amend her behavior… or remove herself from situations that enabled it.

She didn’t always do the right thing and she made bad choices, she could be awkward and say the wrong thing. She showed us all that it’s ok… regret was not in her DNA.

She was a lover. Of music and literature, of shallow feelings and deeper meanings. Of people. Growing up her life was her family, then it was about her friends and colleagues and eventually revolved around her kids. She happily took on the role of “everything” for her children and wished to be here for and with them for eternity.

She loved with her whole heart. She made people feel like they mattered, that their thoughts, ideas, and feelings were important and relevant. This all came naturally to her. And I think… she was loved very much in return. Her goal in life was to spread love and raise compassionate humans… in this she succeeded. To her, if one person’s life was better because of her, even for a moment, her soul was nourished and life fulfilled. 🤍

She was of the genuine… a dying breed… and some might say “she was the last to go.” But I believe her legacy lives on… in her kids, in her friends, and all whose lives she touched.

Don’t worry! Still alive and kicking… just testing the (creative) waters with prompts and friends who write. 🥰

Emerge

In my constant subtle search for self, friends often open my eyes to the world of me. They are gentle reminders of what moves me, what breathes life into me, what I’m capable of.

“Emerge” is a little something inspired by this gorgeous original composition The Days are Haunted (click to listen) …

Emerge

There’s a darkness creeping in, I’m on the edge of something vast. I sense the light behind me… I reach for it, it’s where I want to be. I’m stuck in place and when I move along, it’s only darkness around me. It’s not my heart’s choice… I yearn for the light of the past.

Only darkness everywhere. The days are night and when I think I feel the bright warmth I wake to shattered dreams…

I will have to face forward and enter the chasm. Soon I will know this deep hollow… somehow it’s clear I will emerge on the other side of this… what’s uncertain is how long it will take to return to the light. 🤍

⁃ Adrienne

Wonder

I always have a lot to say, but the words that match my thoughts are often lost to me. So please bear with me as I find them again…

– Adrienne

Reflect. And get interrupted.

Every year brings new challenges for different people. Sometimes we welcome the end of a year to move forward from particularly difficult times. In theory, a new year brings a new beginning. In reality, time is fluid and and hard times fall whenever they feel like it, with no concern for what’s happening in life. The “tough” is part of life. It’s no picnic to go through trauma, to experience new grief, to mourn loved ones and old ways, but it certainly can help you appreciate the good. Your perspective can shift, if you let it.

I started this post (yesterday) with intentions of anecdotes about the year I’ve had and why I feel this way. And even what my plan is going into 2024. But honestly, life takes up all the time. And so when my beautifully frustrating 13 year old daughter started fussing about a belt she needed, I lost the thread of my thoughts. As usual, and that’s ok too.

Happy New Year! May 2024 be a better year, or your best year yet, or even simply the year you learn to deal with the tough stuff.

“Use your smile to change the world, don’t let the world change your smile.” ❤️

– Adrienne

Mom Stuff

Gosh I love my kids.

They drive me crazy! Like bat f’ing shit crazy! But I love them beyond anything I can express. They bring me so much joy and make me proud all the time. I can just watch them play, chat, succeed, sleep, … you get the picture.

They are 19, 12, and 8. Two boys and a girl in the middle. To me, Mother’s Day always feels like a celebration of them. And of all the family and friend moms who I love and who have shown me the way… 🥰

And here’s something I don’t talk about often. Each year, Mother’s Day holds just a teeny bit more sorrow than the last. This year will mark 8 years since my mom died.

Loss is different for everyone. The first year was not the hardest for me. It was sad b/c it was the “first.” But in life our spiritual growth is continuous and for me, the more ‘seasoned’ at being a mother I become, the more I miss my own.

What I really want is to share this beautiful life I have with my mom. To talk about motherhood and all the mom things. To hear her anecdotes and ask her for advice.

It seems almost unjust, that we should feel such vacancy when a parents dies. It is, after all, the natural order of things. But this is life, and we feel what we feel.

Where I used to want to relax, have peace, not have to clean up, etc… now I want people with me, to entertain and feed (light snacks only unless hubby is here! Hahaha), or to just be surrounded. A quiet coffee morning with the opportunity to feel the sad AND the happy is enough to allow me to enjoy the day … whether it’s a quiet one or an over planned one.

My wish for you… joy and peace and happiness even if there is grief, in whatever form that is for you. ❤️

Love, Adrienne

‘Tis the season

We are healing, even if you can’t feel it.

We are letting go, even if you can’t see it.

We are laughing more, even if you can’t hear it.

It’s such a slow and arduous process that it’s near impossible to believe that it’s happening.

We are no longer fearful of covid. Our kids are back in school full time. The return to normalcy we hoped and prayed for is here… and with a vengeance. Life is basically on steroids right now. And all we can do is say yes, absolutely, count me in. Yes to everything.

It will settle. Not today or tomorrow. But in time. If you can accept that, then hopefully you can enjoy this insane journey back to sanity.

Merry Everything. ❤️

– Adrienne

Blink. Nothing changes. Everything is different.

As we approach the one year mark of schools and borders closed, I thought I would be a boss at this by now. My husband was home with us for almost a year. We felt lucky and grateful for family time and an income. We were content to power through until things opened up again. Sigh… 

Schools are still closed so our three kids (5, 10, & 17) are still online. Borders are still closed so hubby is gone for months at a time instead of days. I know families have been separated and we still have it better than many. And while I still know how to be joyful and laugh, that doesn’t stop the woeful feelings – they have a will of their own. 

In the space of a day (or an hour) my emotions run the gamut. A week ago I started with pride for my daughter, she was elated to receive student of the month. On to sadness when I read her poem about hating yet surviving online school. Followed by becoming unhinged and do I even need a reason for that emotion anymore? That was Monday morning. 

How are the kids coping with online school? After one full year of this monotony, thats all they are doing… coping. In the earlies, we talked about their resilience, our little super heroes. And now? Sure, they are OK. But since when is that enough? I am not meant to be my kids whole world past the newborn stage. As they get older their world opens up and it’s not on my shoulders to brighten and enrich every moment of their lives. And yet… 

They play with their toys, bond over video games, stare at screens for excessive amounts of time, fight, find new ways to enjoy the moment – it all sounds “normal”. But they are stretched, they find solace in a tablet instead of a chat with a friend on the way to class. They beg for more screen time instead of more minutes at a play date. They see me and each other for every meal instead of their school mates for lunch. 

We know we are all in this together, but it doesn’t feel like that. Our friends are going through the same ups and downs but we still feel lonely. The jokes and rants help but they are fleeting… in general, what stays is the frustration, the weariness, the mundanity of it all. 

Bedtime is now my favorite part of the day… it’s the only part of the day that’s the same, pandemic or not. Bath, snuggles and stories, some calming sleep music.  Chats from the older ones (though there is less excitement and thus less to talk about) … nighttime is hopeful. Tomorrow is a new day, we will be the change we want to see. I will not wake up so tired of life that all I can manage is doing the necessary. We will explore, see something new, be inspired. At night, all is possible for tomorrow. 

Hello universe, here I am, still sending what little embers of positivity I have left out into the world while sharing all the bits… even the tough ones. 

Today is a blessing. Make it meaningful. Be genuine. And… of course… smile. ❤️
-Adrienne